.Trapped.Caged.Jail.

So..A few nights ago I fucked up pretty bad. I went out with my friends which was awesome but my parents wished me to be home by 1ish. I'm 18. The curfew is a little ridiculous. But I agreed I said there was a possibility that I would be a little late and they just said try to make it as close to 1 o'clock as possible. Well I left the club at 12:30 with about a 40 minute drive home. If you know me you'll know I have no sense of direction what so ever so when the bouncer gave me directions home I completely fucked up and ended up going towards Manhattan instead of going towards home. Realizing I was close to where this guy I've been talking to lives I called him to see if he could give me directions home. Well I ended up going to his house and staying for about a half hour. So now its about 2 o'clock. I know I'm in trouble. I got directions home and tried to follow them as well as possible. Well that wasn't good enough. I got lost. Now I'm in an area I've never been to..alone at 2am and lost beyond belief. I call my mom. In hysterics. She's not "mad" when I call her she's just scared because she doesn't know the area either so she doesn't know how to direct me home. after about 45 minutes of driving around aimlessly I got on the right track and made it to the L.I.E and was finally on my way home. When I got there I went into my parents room apologized..crying..and then went to bed. at 330. Oy. So now its 2 days afterwards and all I know is that my parents aren't mad. They're livid.infuriated.enraged. My dad won't speak to me and my mom just thinks I'm the biggest fuck up to ever enter the family. My punishment? House arrest. Im not allowed to leave my house unless it's for school or work. I'm not allowed to go get food if I'm hungry or go to CVS to pick up prescriptions. Over board?? I think so. They have to understand that...yea I fucked up. I made a mistake that I won't ever make again. They can't lock me in my room because I will literally lose my mind. I try to stay out of my house as much as possible because I hate it already. If I'm locked in here against my will not only will I hate my house more than ever but I'll hate everyone in it as well. Trust me...If you knew the environment I deal with everyday you would wonder how I haven't lost my mind completely yet.

.Run.Away.Love.

It is all but a dream. I would give anything to just get in my car and go. Never stop.

.Everything.In.My.Head.

My head has been all over the place lately. Sometimes this would just be a little annoyance but nothing bad. Recently it hasn't been good. Once again my school work has been pushed to the back burner for reasons unknown and I've really not been doing much with my life. It's times like these I wish I had an excessive amount of money where I could just pick up and leave. Go somewhere new where no one knows me and I don't know them. That is what I crave more than anything. I want to begin a new. A new life. I want to get my priorities straight and learn boundaries and just start over.

.Savvy.

The re invention has finally kicked off!! Started with some flashy new clothes that I absolutely adore. Hopefully I'll be able to post some pictures soon :) then came the new tattoo which I couldn't be more pleased with. Only more fun things to come! My attitude has definitely been getting better as well...I seem to be more happy with myself recently on my outlook towards life. Although that may be changing for the good some things are changing for the worse. School lately hasn't been a priority and it really should be. I need to keep my grades up and attendance is a big part of that. Also, I'm realizing some things about myself which really make me re evaluate my respect for myself. I've realized I really don't have any. I have zero respect for myself and that's a very hard thing to come to terms with. Throughout the last year or so I've really just been all about making others happy no matter what I have to do to myself or even to the ones I care most about. I've really just degraded myself into what I've always looked down upon. That is the next part of my re invention that I'll be working the hardest on. I need to learn that just because something is available and easily accessible doesn't mean I need to take part. It may be fun but in the long run when I look back on it it's really something that I don't want to be known for. I refuse to be seen as easy or a joke because I know I'm better than that but I haven't been proving that so from now on I need to stick by this idea that I'm better than who you think I am.

.Bad.Ass.Chick.

These pictures just make the whole "bad ass" outlook on life seem so fabulous. No one can say that these ladies featured aren't some bad ass bitches who don't really care what people think. Definitely women to look at as inspiration. Although they seem confident I think everyone women especially care just a little bit when people talk shit about them. Some comments can just slip out of your brain as quickly as it came but there are always those comments that stay there and fester. I seem to let a little too much bother me. If I don't know the person I could care less what they say about me but when its someone I'm close to...I wish i had some more bad ass attitude in me.

.Don't.Judge.Me.Bitch.

You're supposed to feel comfortable around your family. They're the people that will always be there for you and love you no matter what right? Then why is it that I am constantly being judged by not only my parents but also by the one person I thought I could trust at all times. My sister. I'm well aware that I'm not your typical 18 year old. I'm eccentric or what my family calls weird and odd. I'm totally fine with this. I live to have fun and I don't think they understand that. As a joke, after I say something that I'm well aware is weird, I say "Don't judge me," I said this last night to my sister...her reply? "Well I judge everyone you know that..and you're no exception." I hate that I now have to censor what I say around her because I fear her judgment. She's a lovely girl but she can be brutal. Her words always hurt me the most. After both my tattoo's she repeatedly called me stupid and irresponsible because I was wasting money on such "stupid shit"...Both of my tattoos are dedicated to my grandparents that have passed away. I don't really see the bad part of putting a permanent reminder of the greatness I was once surrounded by. When I tell her about some clothes that I want she looks at me as if I have 3 heads. I don't know what's happened to her. We used to be best friends, tell each other everything, do absolutely everything together from going to school to partying to having sleepovers every night. She used to appreciate the fact that I don't want to be like everyone else. I want to stand out as my own person. I'm not looking for attention..I just want to show who I am and not who people want me to be. I have to learn to not let her words cut me the way they do but that's a lot harder done than said. She's my sister and she loves me so I guess she thinks she's doing whats best for me by saying to my face what others are probably saying behind my back but she's my sister so she shouldn't care as long as I'm happy. I plan on getting another tattoo tomorrow but I'm terrified of her feed back so I have to hide it from her..is that normal? Hiding things from the person you're supposed to be able to trust more than anyone?

.UnReliable.UnWorthy.

I'm sick of consistently being let down by my so called "best friends." I've completely lost contact with one and the other is on her way as well. I don't know if it's me or if it's mutual or just them. The one I lost contact with is not really a loss in my eyes actually it's kind of a relief. When I go to my friends with a problem it would be nice if they listened to me as I do for them on countless occasions...if I'm in a huge fight with my sister or mother I'm not in the mood to hear all about your fabulous night to the city with your new friends. I came to you for a reason...most likely because I trust you or I think you can give me good advice. Well with this friend I was clearly mistaken. This is exactly why I would rather have guy friends over girls. Sure you can't talk to guys about EVERYTHING but you also don't have to deal with the constant drama and bickering. My other friend is apparently just too caught up in her relationship. This may sound extremely bitchy but this is my vent session so I'm not caring as of the moment but if it weren't for me she wouldn't even be in this relationship! I introduced them and now I don't exist to her. We make plans almost every night to go out to dinner or go to Dunkin to catch up but when I text or call her, her phone is missing or she just doesn't answer. When we do hang out it's awesome we have so much fun and can't wait to do it again but when "again" is...well that's unknown with her. And of course....writing this all out just made me realize that what she's doing to me...I'm doing to this poor guy. It may be a little different because I really do want to hang out with him I'm just nervous. I can't be vulnerable like that. I'm scared that he's just looking for sex and I'm the stupid girl he could fool into it. But then again..I'm afraid that he's a really good guy and by breaking off plans and not answering texts I'm just losing him..and in that case..he deserves better anyways.