Friday, February 19, 2010
You're supposed to feel comfortable around your family. They're the people that will always be there for you and love you no matter what right? Then why is it that I am constantly being judged by not only my parents but also by the one person I thought I could trust at all times. My sister. I'm well aware that I'm not your typical 18 year old. I'm eccentric or what my family calls weird and odd. I'm totally fine with this. I live to have fun and I don't think they understand that. As a joke, after I say something that I'm well aware is weird, I say "Don't judge me," I said this last night to my sister...her reply? "Well I judge everyone you know that..and you're no exception." I hate that I now have to censor what I say around her because I fear her judgment. She's a lovely girl but she can be brutal. Her words always hurt me the most. After both my tattoo's she repeatedly called me stupid and irresponsible because I was wasting money on such "stupid shit"...Both of my tattoos are dedicated to my grandparents that have passed away. I don't really see the bad part of putting a permanent reminder of the greatness I was once surrounded by. When I tell her about some clothes that I want she looks at me as if I have 3 heads. I don't know what's happened to her. We used to be best friends, tell each other everything, do absolutely everything together from going to school to partying to having sleepovers every night. She used to appreciate the fact that I don't want to be like everyone else. I want to stand out as my own person. I'm not looking for attention..I just want to show who I am and not who people want me to be. I have to learn to not let her words cut me the way they do but that's a lot harder done than said. She's my sister and she loves me so I guess she thinks she's doing whats best for me by saying to my face what others are probably saying behind my back but she's my sister so she shouldn't care as long as I'm happy. I plan on getting another tattoo tomorrow but I'm terrified of her feed back so I have to hide it from her..is that normal? Hiding things from the person you're supposed to be able to trust more than anyone?
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I'm sick of consistently being let down by my so called "best friends." I've completely lost contact with one and the other is on her way as well. I don't know if it's me or if it's mutual or just them. The one I lost contact with is not really a loss in my eyes actually it's kind of a relief. When I go to my friends with a problem it would be nice if they listened to me as I do for them on countless occasions...if I'm in a huge fight with my sister or mother I'm not in the mood to hear all about your fabulous night to the city with your new friends. I came to you for a reason...most likely because I trust you or I think you can give me good advice. Well with this friend I was clearly mistaken. This is exactly why I would rather have guy friends over girls. Sure you can't talk to guys about EVERYTHING but you also don't have to deal with the constant drama and bickering. My other friend is apparently just too caught up in her relationship. This may sound extremely bitchy but this is my vent session so I'm not caring as of the moment but if it weren't for me she wouldn't even be in this relationship! I introduced them and now I don't exist to her. We make plans almost every night to go out to dinner or go to Dunkin to catch up but when I text or call her, her phone is missing or she just doesn't answer. When we do hang out it's awesome we have so much fun and can't wait to do it again but when "again" is...well that's unknown with her. And of course....writing this all out just made me realize that what she's doing to me...I'm doing to this poor guy. It may be a little different because I really do want to hang out with him I'm just nervous. I can't be vulnerable like that. I'm scared that he's just looking for sex and I'm the stupid girl he could fool into it. But then again..I'm afraid that he's a really good guy and by breaking off plans and not answering texts I'm just losing him..and in that case..he deserves better anyways.